My friend Morgan passed from this world on May 25, 2023 - just three days ago. I cannot say she 'lost her battle with cancer'. She wasn't in a fight with the disease.
Morgan was born Linda Torgrimson. I don't know what her middle name was, if she had one. Throughout her life she changed her name a few times. She became Morgan Blaine when her fiance, named Morgan, committed suicide. I believe the name 'Blaine' was an association to Blaine County where she spent the majority of her life, around the Sun Valley, Idaho, area. Yet, I don't know that for a fact. Maybe her suicided fiance's last name was Blaine, for all I know. I am quite sure that whatever name she was choosing at a given time it was for a particular reason. I don't know if she had a stage name during her acting days. Morgan was in a few movies I never heard of. In her later years she started going by Morgan Lin Blaine. That's where she settled.
Morgan and I shared nearly a lifetime of conversations. It is much quieter, just knowing she in no longer in this realm. I wonder - is she in paradise? Or suffering terrors worse than the pain of the cancer and the emotional pain of having been raped by her father for years. I have been trusting GOD it is the former, as per the prayers I regularly offered up for her over the years. Either way, I can't feel my way to an answer in this regard. Nor will I ask GOD. I trust Him. He is the Judge.
In a phone conversation just over a week ago (since I left Blaine County all of our conversations were over the phone), Morgan started the conversation in her usual tired and distressed voice, saying "I need hope." In other words, "Give me hope, Lisa." I wasn't about to use platitudes to attempt to make her feel better. She and I both hate that type of insincerity. I said, "There is no hope in this life. Our only hope is in Jesus Christ. It is time for you to release your attachments to this world, and join the world of the Spirit in communion with Jesus. There is no hope in this world." We talked about Jesus, and what scriptures she could read. Her favorite book in the Bible was the book of James. She was getting tired. Usually Morgan could carry on a conversation for an hour and a half. Lately she had been ending calls early so she could sleep. Morgan thanked me. I could hear the relief in her voice. She said our conversation had been so helpful. Then she said she was going to go read her Bible and pray, and sleep.
A few days before she died our conversation centered around some 'friends' who had come in her home to clean while she was in the hospital the week or so earlier. Morgan's home was a mess, yet it was her mess and she knew where everything was. She was comfortable in her mess. A friend insisted Morgan let her clean as a favor to Morgan. Morgan said she didn't really want her home to be cleaned, but her friend talked her into it because she said it would make her (not Morgan) feel better. So, the friend came in - bringing one of her friends with her - and cleaned. When Morgan got home from the hospital her cutting board was gone. This cutting board was nice and heavy and had special meaning to Morgan. Whatever Morgan had carried meaning for her. The cleaners had put much of her stuff in baskets, and she couldn't find her pain medication. She complained that she really didn't have the strength to go looking for all of what she needed to get by - and she didn't. Morgan was very sick. Morgan contacted the friend to find out where her stuff was and complained about not being able to find anything - even the clothes she usually wore. The friend told her that they 'threw away' the cutting board, and that her clothes and missing stuff was in bags in the friend's garage, and that her meds would probably be in a basket.
Morgan was very upset about all this. It triggered her feelings of PTSD around being raped by her dad for many years. Having them come into her apartment, and take liberties with her things, felt as a rape to Morgan. It was a reasonable conclusion that they stole her pain meds and cutting board - and whatever else we may never know. What Morgan did know was that she couldn't find her pain meds and clothes, and her cutting board was missing, supposedly 'thrown away'. This caused a falling out between Morgan and her friend.
During our phone call on the 23rd of May Morgan was concerned because she said she didn't feel close to GOD as she did in November of 2022 when she had her surgery for the cancer. She said that she knew GOD didn't leave her, but that maybe she left GOD. We spoke of forgiveness, and in her way she said what she had said many times before as a blanket statement to any insinuation of resentments or slights she may have experienced, "Oh, that's not the problem! If I can forgive my Father for raping me all those years I can forgive anyone!" And, Morgan had always said that she just wanted to die "with love" in her "heart".
I let it go. I then spoke to her of what had become meaningful to me lately. I spoke to her of the scriptures which tell of, and the importance of, 'seeking' GOD. I told her that GOD is good! And that Jesus promised that if we seek Him, He WILL be found. I told her we must even grope, as one gropes in the dark for a light switch. I told her that there is something born within us that needs to seek GOD. And, if we seek Him he promises we will find him. She left that conversation in pursuit of Jesus, and sleep.
Finally, on the 24th, Morgan sounded very weak, yet hesitant to hang up too soon. She said that her falling out with her friend was just a misunderstanding. I don't remember a lot of what she said - it is cloudy in my memory - and it had become very difficult to understand her as her tongue was so swollen. She spoke very slowly and deliberately. She spoke briefly of the assisted living home her doctor and hospice were looking to put her in so she wouldn't have to be alone. She said that if she got feeling better she could leave there any time and even go take her car for a drive. She said she could even sit outside, which she had been unable to do for a while. Before she hung up she wanted to hear what was going on with John and I. I told her of my new eating habits that were working for me to help me feel better. She said she was happy I found something that was working for me. Then she said she was going to go and sleep. We said our usual "I love you"s, and she always said, "Love to Johnny". I said goodbye and we hung up.
Morgan's dear neighbor, Aaron, said a prayer with her and put her into her bed that night. A few days before he had found Morgan on the floor. She didn't have enough strength to make it to her bathroom and had fallen. Aaron and his wife, Ceceilia, helped Morgan a lot in her final days. By the night of the 24th she weighed about 85 pounds and he was able to get her into her bed. The next morning on the 25th Aaron went to check on Morgan and she was unresponsive. He called the EMT. Then he called me around noon to tell me she had passed. It's quieter now. I trust that when Morgan sought after Jesus she found Him. That is my prayer, and GOD is good. This I know.
