I would rightfully be considered a failure. I did OK in school, but certainly not my best. I could have done better had I cared more, or been more confident or motivated. I saw no reward in store for anything I may have aspired to do or be. In topics of interest I did excel - Art, Drama, Speech, Music, Language Arts… In High School more homework was left undone than done. I mostly excelled at smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, skipping school, and forging notes from my mom. My senior year I got pregnant and lost the baby at around 5 months of pregnancy. I finished the year and graduated.
I could tell stories from childhood, talk about my origins (parents, locations, economic status), but these have come to bore me. I have too often used these as excuses. I love stories and storytelling (not lies). I have been a prolific storyteller all of my life. The problem is that most of my life I have shared my stories as self involved justification for my behaviors or particular circumstances in life. Today I am a New Creation in Christ Jesus. My story has forever changed! My old story is only good for a testimony of the goodness and glory of God, and His power to change a life.
I could keep my story simple and short with one line: I was a failure (and still am). Following High School I saw no possibilities except to marry and have babies. I did not seek God's counsel in this. I did not seek God's counsel for anything. I didn't even know about seeking God's counsel, or even consider it. I just knew I was afraid God would call me to something I did not want (to be a Missionary in China), or a man I did not like. I did not trust God in my choices. I just acted on my own will and impulses - ALL OF MY LIFE. This has led to a life of nothing but regret born of my sinful state. The state that we are all born into.
After High School I married the first guy who asked me in February of 1980. I had my precious and treasured daughter nearly 10 months later. Then I got pregnant again and lost that baby at 5½ months of pregnancy - a girl. I got pregnant again and lost that baby at 6 months of pregnancy - a boy.
I was partying and going to church during the entire marriage of 5 years. I even did my morning Bible studies faithfully - praying and ‘speaking in tongues’. I exercised daily and had a health conscious diet. I played my guitar and sang at church. I even conducted a Christian exercise class for women at the church. I smoked pot, did drugs, and drank alcoholically - with and without my husband - during the whole time.
Two years in I really was not wanting to be in that marriage. I realized I vowed, “until death do us part”. How casually I made my vows! I had been in a nirvanic dream state. Today I have come to hate romantic notions and fantasy (I perceive them as one and the same). I became very unhappy and depressed. I stuck it out for another 3 years. I left when I decided that to stay meant I would die to myself. I felt I must preserve me at all costs. How very selfish, rebellious, and self determined I was.
For all my Bible studies and praying I really did not know, fear, or love the Lord. I was fooled - by me and the devil. Jesus told us that if we love our life and seek to preserve it we will lose it! He told us that those who lose their life for His sake will gain life eternal. Yes, I was fooled, tempted, and led astray by my own evil desires, giving the devil a foothold in my life. God was asking me to die to myself, and my marriage was the vessel for this. He was asking me to stay, but I said, “No”. I felt it was more important to serve and preserve me. In all the years of my life, to date, while this was my position, what damage I have done! Regret!
I divorced April 2, 1985, and lost custody of my daughter for seven years. That was devastating to us both. I had a beautiful and unexpected son out of wedlock a year later on April 2, 1986. I often felt that his birth helped in saving my life. I got married again in May of 1989. I divorced again in August of 1999 (this time it was his idea). And now I am married a third time and intend to stay until he either leaves me or God calls one of us home. Even so, when I entered this marriage I decided I was done breaking my vows. I omitted “until death do us part” from my hand written vows. I only vowed to the things I believed I could keep. We have been married 10½ years to date.
By the time I entered into this marriage in October of 2013 I was in full rebellion to God, and fully into witchcraft. That said, after a study of the pantheon of gods, and a personal determination to learn what love is, Jesus Christ became my ‘deity’. He was the only deity that came down from Heaven to be a man and choose to die so He may save us. His was the deepest expression and manifestation of love in all the pantheon of deities.
The beginning of February 2019 God taught me to fear Him. It was terrifying. I immediately repented of my involvement with witchcraft and disposed of the items I used for the practice. I changed the content of my entertainment. I no longer watch TV or secular movies. I no longer listen to secular music, and even a lot of today's Christian music. The fear of the Lord is saving me. I have learned to love Him, and seek to obey Him. I daily choose to die to self that I may live to Christ, and my marriage is most often the vessel of exercising this choice. I now gratefully embrace the opportunity I've been given to die to myself and become alive in Christ Jesus. I am grateful for the trials and tribulations - and failures.
I am so grateful God has allowed me to be such a colossal failure! I have failed in relationships, parenting, being a wife, musical endeavors, writing, selling handmade bags, selling photography products and paintings, marriages, jobs, home ownership, health, etc. Nothing about my work has been notable enough to excel me in the world of my talents and interests. The world rapidly is uninspired and tired of my “Look at me! Look what I can do!”, as am I. It is boring to even me. As the Psalmist says, “As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, and it's place acknowledges it no longer”. (Psalm 103:15-16)
Praise God I have failed and lost! For, otherwise, I may believe I have merit and worth and find myself sorely and most sadly still self involved and independent of God. Praise God for His story rather than mine! May my story only and ever point to Jesus Christ, my Savior - the One who redeems my soul from the pit! Praise God for His goodness and mercy to me in teaching me to fear Him, and demonstrating His loving kindness to me - to the lost world - through Jesus Christ the King of Kings.
