When I was baptized the first time I was 12 years old. I was baptized in the Snake River by Amos Shenk. When I came up out of the water I was filled with the Holy Spirit. I didn't understand what was happening to me. The experience was manifested in an ecstatic feeling, and an inability to speak. How long this inability to speak lasted I don't know. Maybe 10 minutes. Maybe an hour. I don't remember.
From that point on my spiritual life took many turns and detours. Finally, years later when I was 57 years old, the Prodigal Child returned home from the pigsty of the world to her Heavenly Father.
Lately I was wondering about my 12 year old Baptism. I wondered - after straying so far and returning back home to the Father - did I need to be baptized again? I began praying about this. Eventually God led me to a Pastor who approached me with the idea of baptism. He told me that my 12 year old Baptism was not legitimate. Well, I didn't know about that, but it was my answer to prayer from God that I needed to be baptized. I was baptized that very afternoon - the day before my 61st birthday - in the church baptismal by a Brother named Steven.
This time when I came up from the water I was happy and grateful, but I felt nothing out of the ordinary. That didn't bother me. Yet, as the days progressed over the following week I felt absolutely fatigued and emptied out - collapsed inside, like a balloon with all the air let out. I wondered at this. One could say I was 'poured out'.
Two weeks later, on Sunday, the devil pounced upon my husband and I and difficulties ensued between us and the church we had just joined - the church where we were baptized. The issues being fear, money, and expectations. These came about, giving the devil a foothold, because they are contrary to faith. Or, one might say, 'misplaced faith' - faith in the worldly system of things, versus faith in God. This brought about much discord, hurt feelings, and confusion. Yet, through this God is showing me some things...
While much is given to survival, and an American standard of living even - even in the churches - I am not on this planet to survive. I am here to die. In John 12:24-26 Jesus said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.
I am here to take up my cross and follow Jesus. In Matthew 10:38-39 Jesus said, "He who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it". Again, in Matthew 16:24-25, Jesus said, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it".
Jesus' cross experience is described in Isaiah 53:1-12: [1] Who has believed our message? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? [2] For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, And like a root out of parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty That we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him. [3] He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. [4] Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted. [5] But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed. [6] All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him. [7] He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet He did not open His mouth; Like a lamb that is led to slaughter, And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, So He did not open His mouth. [8] By oppression and judgment He was taken away; And as for His generation, who considered That He was cut off out of the land of the living For the transgression of my people, to whom the stroke was due? [9] His grave was assigned with wicked men, Yet He was with a rich man in His death, Because He had done no violence, Nor was there any deceit in His mouth. [10] But the LORD was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, And the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand. [11] As a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied; By His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, As He will bear their iniquities. [12] Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great, And He will divide the booty with the strong; Because He poured out Himself to death, And was numbered with the transgressors; Yet He Himself bore the sin of many, And interceded for the transgressors.
First, Jesus did not open His mouth in defense of Himself.
Second, like a lamb He went willingly to the slaughter.
Third, in verse 12 we read that Jesus 'poured out Himself to death'. I am here on this planet not to be defensive, fight for my rights, nor to survive. I am here to be poured out.
This has become, to me, the meaning of my baptismal experience this time around. I am to be emptied. Deflated. I quietly and willingly die with Christ, in my cross experience, that I may share in His resurrection and live. I do this so I may impart this Gospel to others that they, too, may live. I must decrease so that He - Christ Jesus - may increase. Amen. The world doesn't need more of me. The world needs Jesus Christ - Yeshua Hamashiach - the Messiah.
Lord Jesus Christ, forgive me for struggling and often living defensively. Let me be willingly poured out in quiet confidence. Amen.
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