Lamenting the Truth

I am like Jacob, in the Old Testament.  I have been wrestling with God since I can remember.  And, like Jacob, He affects my walk, forever - an encounter with God can be crippling.  In my younger days I loved Christ Jesus.  I wanted to follow Him.  Actually followed Him at times.  Yet I was tormented by my desires and mind.  I was disillusioned to Christianity - Christians.  I felt demeaned as a girl child - woman - by the Patriarchal tone of the religion of Christianity, and the abuses unrestricted Patriarchy inflicts.  I remember the time, in my first marriage, that I felt if I stayed I would die.  Not physically.  I knew it would destroy who I thought I was.  I would not relinquish myself into the circumstance, even though I KNEW God, my Father, was calling me to die to myself, and be alive in Him - not my desires and ego, which are death.  We MUST be Born Again.  This means a death to the old, to desires, and selfish living.  I was in deliberate denial, refusing to die to self, and left my first husband instead.  While we were already involved in drugs, and alcoholic drinking, I left him to join fully with alcoholism, drug abuse, and sexual promiscuity.  I was angry and self serving.

This all led to a specific time when I nearly died from shooting crank (meth) all night.  I was always very much opposed to shooting up, yet I had been drinking all day at a child's birthday party.  When the children were put to bed that night, the adult party continued.  My defenses were laid low by the alcohol, so I did what I would not normally do.  As I could feel myself dying, I was holding on and praying for dear life.  I was on the edge of a dark abyss - a deep and dark blackness - my heart readying to explode in my chest.  I was in terror, and I was grieving over the knowledge that my Mother would have to tell everyone that her daughter died from a drug overdose.  I could feel the entrance of hell (which I believed in at the time) beckoning me into the dark abyss.  God delivered me from that death.  My life struggle continued.  God did, ultimately, provide a way for me to find sobriety through Alcoholics Anonymous.

God is always providing me a way to His Eternal Home so we may always be together... until the very last moment of our time on earth, God has provided a way.  We can call on Him to save us, through Jesus Christ, as long as we have breath.  He will leave the 99 to find the One, and welcome the Prodigal Child home with rejoicing and absolute forgiveness, by His love revealed in the sacrificial Blood of Jesus Christ - the Lamb.  Yet, what is left for those who reject this gift?  We are left to a world not created for us, but for the fallen one.  I pray the final end is a literal death, as mentioned as the "second death" in Revelations.  I pray for the lost.  It is better to never have been born, than to depart this life apart from salvation found in Jesus.

Through the years my faith has morphed numerous times.  Even as a "Christian" I was having relations with married men - breaking up marriages, and unrepentant using sex as a tool for my anger, selfishness, arrogance, and determinations.  At one such time - still reading my Bible, and sometimes going to church - I was living with a man whose marriage I had broken up.  My son had just gone to war in Iraq, and I was terribly concerned for him.  I was out on a hike at the Little City of Rocks, outside the town of Gooding, Idaho.  As I was hiking I was also praying and lamenting for my son.  A mantra from the AA meetings I attended kept going through my head, in time with my steps, "Don't leave before the Miracle".  When I got to the end of the hike, I stopped on the path and nearly expected and eagle to swoop down over my head, or a deer to come around the corner.  Instead, everything was still, and a voice in my head said, "The Miracle is right here, and you don't know shit!"  In that instance everything I thought I knew, to save my Soul, fell away.  I felt in danger of hell's fires.  I was no longer in control of what I though I knew to save me.  I had to now walk by faith.

That began my journey of years of searching, and nearly fearlessly learning of other philosophies and ways.  I have to say, there is none - in any other religion, or philosophy - such as what Jesus Christ - in the Holy Bible - tells of, and has provided.  All others skim through elements of Truth, while denying the Christ as the only way to Heaven, and relationship to God, our Father.  I even studied on the Occult, did rituals, and said prayers to powers I knew not.  I believe these are demonic, and evil, and I am horrified at my participation now when I consider it.  At that time I also prayed to Jesus, and the Father, asking to be in accord.  I had one foot in Heaven, and the other in Hell.  My Heavenly Father has been kind, good, and gracious, to deliver me from this vile evil.  We can stray so far when we have chosen not to be in obedience.  And the good Father lets His child go into the pig sty of the world to explore its offerings, when we insist.  He welcomes us home, rejoicing, when we return, repentant, and humbled, with the broken heart of a Servant - a determination to be a Slave of Christ, He welcomes us home as His Child.  Heavenly Father, please forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.  Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.  For Thine is the Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory forever, Amen.

Most recently I have been thrilled to have a belief that excluded the hell we have been warned against in the Holy Bible.  I rejoiced, and was relieved, to finally have permission to believe that God is only Love and goodness - which He is.  God is also Holy.  The concept of hell assaults and terrifies me to the core - and not just for myself, but for all of humanity.  The reality of hell has been the worst agony and struggle of my belief in Jesus Christ, and the Father's truth.  I was thrilled when we found several churches that believed in a Universal salvation concept (as Jesus, I would that not one Soul be lost!) - churches willing to give us a place to park for months on end.  They were a great blessing to my husband and I.  May their generosity be blessed many times over.  Yet, mankind has largely misinterpreted God.  He is justice, too, when we have rejected the gift of Grace.  The Holy Bible is filled with warnings for mankind.  Anyway, I was thrilled to find churches that taught such a philosophy.  We would call a parent that sends his ignorant, naughty, arrogant, and disobedient children to hell forever a very bad parent.  Abusive, for sure.  Only, it is we who land ourselves in hell, through our rebellion against the Creator of all heaven and earth.

I rejoiced, sincerely, and followed Jesus Christ as closely as I knew how through the example of my marriage.  I had deliberated to walk in the Path of Jesus, in order to know the meaning of the scripture, "Perfect love casts out fear", some time before meeting my husband.  This has included dying to myself, and taking up my cross - something I was unwilling to do in my first marriage.  Some believe that Jesus endured the cross so we don't have to.  Rather, I understood that Jesus said He is "the Way", and to take up our cross, and follow Him!  This is the Path of Love.  This is the Path to Heaven!  Jesus Christ has called us His "Bride" (the Feminine counterpart).  My idea of following Christ Jesus was, and is, to walk - with Him - in His footsteps.  This leads to the sacrifice of the Cross.  All that time I was also active in Occult ideas and practices - still.  I felt they deepened my understandings.  I have novelly written on my beliefs and experiences - much of it lies from hell, while I thought I was on target - "truth".  How many have I led in the wrong way, even with (what I believed were) the best of intentions?  I am so deeply saddened.

With nearly fearless Spiritual curiosity I have investigated accounts of life after death.  I have immersed myself in ghost shows.  I have read books, and studied religions and philosophies.  I have enjoyed watching Near Death Experience accounts on You Tube... until I came across accounts of hell.  I would avoid these.  They didn't fit in with my narrative.  Finally, out of a sense of being informed, and fairness, I forced myself to listen and consider these accounts of people who God had taken into hell - either through death, or through a mandate to tell the world what they saw, and warn others NOT to go there.  I watched these accounts, even as much as they disturbed me.  I listened to what the tellers were compelled to share regarding their experiences, and what the Holy Bible says about it.  The scriptures which backed up the accounts were indisputable, and when they were read they pierced my Soul to the quick, and ripped my heart.  They still do, unless the Father gives me comfort - which he does, or I could not survive the sorrow and terrors.  I allowed my safe ideas to be challenged.  I considered, "Do I want to believe what feels best, and makes most sense to me?  Or, do I want the truth?"  I chose the Truth of what God was making so real to me, over my comfort, and have been repentant and lamenting terribly ever since - except God gives me relief and comfort.  The truth is, encounters with God, historically, are documented as terrifying.  He often comes in a dark cloud.  It is the devil who comes as an angel of light.  When Father God shows Himself to us, we cannot look upon Him.  Yet, we can, in Christ Jesus - and because of His sacrifice - boldly approach the Heavenly Father's Throne of Grace for our salvation.  Bless His Name.

God has called me to be "as a child", in faith, otherwise I could not sustain and survive the grief.  I know hell is real, and there are those who choose not to be friends with their Creator who are in torment there, now - "good" people.  Friends.  Yet, our righteousness is as filthy rags in the presence of the Holy Father.  I know this grieves the Heavenly Father, yet He has given us free will - while we are on earth.  When we die apart from Christ, there is no more hope, and free will, left for us.  I know that Jesus Christ is the only Way, Truth, and Life.  These are found in a Man - the Christ - not an idea.  This Way to our intended Eternal Home is narrow, with a specific route to get there.  If I want to go to the White House in Washington DC I don't head for Walmart in Meridian.  All roads do not lead to the White House - neither do all roads lead to Heaven.  Yet, the Father will find us on any road if we earnestly seek Him, and His truth.  The Way is laid out for us in the Scriptures of the Holy Bible.  If I want to know my Father, I know and accept him as he is, for who he is - not my idea of who he should be.  We have enough of knowledge to show us the Truth, and the Way.  And we cannot hope to make it to Heaven if we are unwilling to do the work of saving people from hell.  We are called to be Christ on earth!  Messiahs.  Saviors.  We are called to the Cross experience.  We are called to die to our self, so we can live eternally - to be "born again".  We are instructed to work out our salvation with fear and trembling.  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of all knowledge leading to wisdom.

There is much made of rejoicing and praise in the Christian church, while the world is sliding into hell at the rate of a snowball headed downhill.  Many Christians are concerned for the economy, their house and insurance payments, wholesome food, their children's college, perceived persecution, real persecution, etc.  Many believe they should be in drunken Holy Spirit rejoicing, rather than in repentant sackcloth and ashes lamenting.  They believe Christ Jesus endured the cross so they don't have to... that there is healing minus the sacrifice of Love for the sins (darkness and ignorance) of the world.  The Christian church has become Patriotic and entrenched in the world's economy.  They celebrate the notion of Jesus' return, while the truth would lead them to lamenting.  The time of Jesus' return will be a terrible time, for all.  Who would rejoice as they watch masses of humanity slide into hell?  Only a monster would.  When Trump made Jerusalem the Capital of Israel, the Christian church rejoiced, while lamenting was in order.  It is opposite day in the church today.  Our original state is as people born into the darkness, not the light.  We were born into punishment, not favor.  Yet, we are deeply loved, so every provision has been made for us in Christ Jesus.  Because God is good, and God is love.  He has made the way for us to be perfect, as He is perfect!  We must die to our self, take up our cross daily, and follow Christ Jesus.  His promised Holy Spirit directs, convicts, empowers, and comforts, us.

I believed for a while that, as we are created in God's Image, our true nature is Love.  I am believing, again, that while we were created in God's Image our true nature is sin (fallen, darkness, ignorance), and we are in need of a Savior.  I did not want to believe this - about us - about hell.  But, I would rather believe the truth of it, and do something about it, than not and face eternity in hell.  I pray fervently and fearfully for all of humanity from since the beginning of time.  I will rejoice at the day of His deliverance and rejoicing.  I pray for you, the Reader.  May His every blessing fall upon you, leading you, daily, to salvation.  Fear the Lord, and trust in His love.  God is faithful.  His love is steadfast.  May we come to know the truth of His holiness, and also His lovingkindness.  Amen.